[distant chatter]
- Hey, guys. It's Jules James coming at you live from Philly
on the Fourth of Jul-y,
and we are here at another Jules James promotion sellout,
and I'm working with the Goat.
That's right, world-famous escape artist,
the Great Tomas is here!
Now, people have tried for years
to get him to come out of retirement,
but nobody can say no to Jules, right?
- Right. - Last time we saw you,
you were locked in a safe tied to a railroad track
right before two freight trains collided.
Tell us what you have planned today.
- First I'd like to dedicate today to my late wife
and to all the other survivors
still trying to get out of Scottsdale.
- Yeah, super sad, which is why today's uplifting stunt
is gonna be just what this country needs.
Take us through it.
- Um, well, to start things off,
the gospel choir from the Triumphant Heart Baptist Church
will be singing "America the Beautiful."
- USA, USA, right? USA. And then what?
- I--I will be trapped in a box surrounded by fireworks...
- [gasps]
- Which will explode just as the song crescendos.
- All on our nation's birthday.
Well, Tommy, see you on the flip side?
- Good-bye, everybody.
- How about that, fam?
Now, don't forget to swipe up so you can see
my entire calendar for the rest of the season.
I'm once again doing this for all 30 teams.
Happy Fourth.
[upbeat music]
♪
[sniffs]
- There's my superstar.
[laughter]
- Happiness?
- Amazing, just amazing, Jules.
We're sold out again.
Every other game today
is getting interrupted to carry this.
- [laughs] - [chuckles]
- Philadelphia, please give a warm welcome
to the Triumphant Heart Gospel Choir.
They will be singing "America the Beautiful."
This song is dedicated to all the deceased in Scottsdale
and The Disputed Lands.
all: ♪ Oh beautiful
♪ For spacious skies
♪ For amber waves
♪ Of grain
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together for the Great Tomas.
[cheers and applause]
- Have you considered my offer?
I'd love to have you work for me full-time.
- Freddie, this is an open relationship.
You're free to see other promoters, but why would you?
- [growls]
- [growls and laughs]
all: ♪ Above the fruited plains
♪ America
- Getting the kids to do the honors was a nice touch.
- I'm all about the details.
[cheers and applause]
all: ♪ And crown thy good
♪ With brotherhood
♪ From sea to shining sea.
- Is that dynamite?
- I only get the good shit, Freddie.
[cheers and applause]
all; Five, four, three, two, one!
[loud explosion]
[all gasping]
- Ahh!
[all screaming]
- I hate this song! - Shit.
I had no inkling of Tomas' mental state.
I suppose I could have seen the signs on Twitter.
His last Facebook post
could be interpreted as a suicide note,
but that's a lot of
Monday-morning quarterbacking going on.
I have just been trying to hug
as many of the traumatized as possible,
and to the families who had to witness this...
It's a sad day for America and for baseball.
- Ms. James... - Is it true that the owners
have canceled all your upcoming promotions?
- How could you do this to baseball?
- Anyone who knows me knows how much I love baseball.
- Ms. James, why do you hate America?
- If that's true, then why did Jim Brockmire have no comment?
- Julia...
- Hey there, America. It's me, your friend,
Gatling Gary, and I got a problem.
I got too many guns! How many guns?
Well, I got this gun, this gun, this gun,
and even go this little bitch gun!
Look at it. I got too many guns!
But that's not all we got.
Are you tired of your armor-piercing rounds
not piercing the armor of all those
ATF tanks that are coming on your property?
We got Uncle Uriah's uranium super bullets!
They will [...] a mother[...] up!
[loud explosion]
We got flak jackets, custom-tailored flak jackets
for formal occasions, weddings, funerals,
outlawed gay wedding, cock fights,
gang bangs, bar mitzvahs, and, of course,
we got all the above in kids' sizes!
And we've got water-siphoning kits, chemical toilets,
lime for body disposal,
erectile dysfunction injections.
We've got it all! But what do I really got?
I got too many guns!
If you don't come down and buy some of these guns,
I'm gonna blow my brains out! I'm not kidding!
I'm gonna do it in front of my kids, so come on down!
- Gatling Gary's Guns not responsible for any crime
committed with Gatling Gary's gun.
Gun companies are not responsible for Gatling Gary
actually blowing his brains out in front of his family.
- Content fatigue, it's real, and it's a problem.
Millions suffer from the anxiety,
inability to focus, and irritability brought on
by mild to moderate CF.
Sure, we could just watch...
- Carol, turn that shit off.
- That Charles fella called again.
I got his number for you.
- Won't be needing it. Just keep telling him I'm busy.
I thought you were dealing with that rash.
- Well, the bus to Canada doesn't come
through here anymore, so I haven't been able
to get my swine shingle pills, but it's fine.
- Really? That thing was covering half your body
before you got on your meds.
- I fought my fight. The rash won.
- Tour's here. I won't be back later.
You'll lock up? - Oh, God.
- God, Carol!
- Second one this week,
and I'm still standing.
It's fine.
[twangy guitar music]
♪
- It turns out spraying toxic chemicals underground
to dissolve shale into a natural gas
has some unforeseen consequences,
but the most impressive consequence of fracking
is our eternal flame here.
Beneath where we stand,
rages of fire that will outlast all humanity.
'Kay, now time for the burning of regrets.
Let's line up.
The flame is green for a reason.
It offers pure catharsis
incinerating whatever it is you've come to burn,
marriage certificates, love letters, a bad prom photo,
but please no dead pets.
The fire burns quickly, but the smell tends to linger.
We do request a $50 donation to go toward flame upkeep
and the completion of our visitor's center.
The flame is booked up for Halloween parties
years into the future, but the visitor's center
will make this place a year-round destination.
$100? Do you have anything to burn?
- A whole day, apparently.
This is why you're too busy to call me back?
[twangy music]
Life's been pretty good.
Career is great.
I'm divorcing Denise, though.
- Aww, that's a shame. I really liked her.
- Oh, not that Denise.
This--that divorce was...five years ago?
I'm also paying alimony to a Patrice.
I have a type. - Mm.
- No, thank you.
I don't really--oh, that was for you.
What happened to white wine?
- This yanks the shades down a little faster.
- Well, look, I tried to call, but you just never answered.
After the whole Philadelphia thing,
you just kinda disappeared.
- How much are you charging Jim?
- Excuse you?
Jim is one of my oldest friends,
so I'm charging him my friend rate of $100,000 per day.
- How kind. - Look, I know it can be scary
to return to something you failed at.
- I didn't fail at baseball.
I failed at saving Morristown.
[loud clattering]
Who's that?
You here for a drink or trouble?
'Cause I serve both.
Carol, wh--are you living here?
- 'Fraid so.
Copperheads hit my place a couple weeks back.
- They're a roving biker gang who steal
all the copper piping out of the buildings around here.
- Ripped all the floors open.
Then they had some kind of yogurt party.
- Please tell me you didn't eat that yogurt.
- It's fine. It was all over my walls.
Of course I ate the yogurt.
- Carol, it's not fine.
- Ay-yi-yi.
- I do have one idea to help baseball,
a great one, actually, but it's gonna cost him.
- How much? - $134,000.
- That's a bizarrely specific number,
but I'm sure Jim can convince them to do that.
I'll get back to you tomorrow.
- Okay. - Limon, blimp.
- Mankind is a virus infecting the Earth.
Mankind is a virus infecting the Earth.
- What exactly am I looking at right now?
- We do a lot of business with cults.
It really helps when tourist season slows down.
[together] - Mm.
- You work with cults?
- Well, I weed out the suicide-y,
marry young girls-y ones.
These guys are great, no drugs, and a very upbeat message.
- Mankind is a virus infecting the Earth.
- Let's give them some space.
- Mankind is a virus... - Got my money?
- Yeah, the whole amount should have been wired
to your account.
- Mankind is a virus infecting the Earth.
- So it was.
- And Jim can't wait for your big idea to save baseball.
- Oh, I can just tell it to you.
All Jim has to do is build a time machine
to take everyone back to when America wasn't
a blighted hellscape and baseball was still popular.
It's gonna have to be really big to fit everybody inside.
- So you just scammed Jim out of $134,000?
- I just recouped my legal expenses
from when those asshole owners sued me,
and I will use that money to finish my visitor's center.
Anyway, what do you care?
You just bilked him for $300,000.
- 5 actually.
Are we bad people for fleecing our friend?
- If he were really our friend, he would have seen this coming.
- Is there a time when the eternal flame
goes out for a little bit? - No, Charles.
That's why it's called the eternal flame.
- Well, it's out right now.
- Oh, no. It can't just go out.
It can only relocate.
[loud explosion]
[twangy guitar music]
♪
- Do you have too many payday loans?
Are you feeling crushed by debt
that you just can't keep up with,
harassed by predatory collectors?
Well, Permacash has the solution.
Permacash will give you the cash advance
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If you're not using your organs,
why not give them to us,
and we'll give you cold, hard cash?
And for a limited time you could take advantage
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no-fuss euthanasia process.
You have a choice of coming to a Permacash location near you,
or we can send you a Permacash home donation
and euthanasia kit, and you can file permanent
bankruptcy in the comfort of your own home.
You get those predatory companies off your back,
and your family gets the quick cash they need.
Why suffer through the effects of water toxicity,
radiation sickness, or super cancer?
Let your body go now, before it's of no use to anybody.
Let it go to a good cause.
So if you're in trouble and you can't see a way out,
call Permacash, the last loan you'll ev...
- Oh, my bad, sorry.
It seems the years
have not relieved me of my catlike stealth.
- If you came here to beg me... - Beg you?
I'm not even asking you anything.
I mean, work-related, that is.
Jules, I'm just here as your friend.
- Friend? - Yeah.
- Whenever I need you, you're always running
in the opposite direction.
No comment? What the hell was that?
- A man had just exploded, okay?
For the first time in my life, I was at a loss for words,
and I tried calling you for months after that.
- I don't take calls from spineless traitors.
- I didn't think you needed me to back you up, Jules.
I mean, after all, you had George Brett, now, didn't you?
- Our marriage was already falling apart.
He was very judgmental about the drinking and the drugs.
Plus, he played a lot of golf--
I mean, a lot of golf, like, a lot.
A lot, Jim.
- I don't understand what's happening.
Are you using golf as a euphemism?
- No, he played a lot of golf. - Oh.
- He bought bathroom humor books about golf
and crocheted head covers for his driver.
He once stopped in the middle of fucking me to talk
about meeting Brandt Snedeker.
- Okay, that sounds like a lot of golf.
- My disgracing baseball was the final straw for him.
It's just not fair. You shot yourself
on the national stage way more times than I ever did.
Why'd you get five second chances,
and I didn't even get one?
- Probably 'cause you're a woman, Jules.
That and people have a hard time letting go of getting
Gallaghered with human flesh, but you know what?
You don't need five chances. You just need the one,
and I am here to give it to you, okay?
I'm here to take you out of Morristown for your health
and for your safety.
Please just come with me right now.
I'll take you anywhere you want to go.
- I'm not done here.
- [sighs] - Morristown can still rebound.
- Are you out of your mind? Rebound?
It's over. My God, it was over years ago.
You have to know when to walk away.
There's life after Morristown.
- All right, the two singles for you,
the double for me, huh?
A win is a win.
I don't care how ugly it is.
It still counts, huh?
- Dad, a word? - Mm-hmm.
- Take a seat.
- Well, I'm behind the bar, sweetheart.
There are no stools here. What's happening, Jules?
- This is the hardest part about being a daughter,
but it is time for you to quit baseball.
- What?
- You just don't have it anymore.
- What are you talking about? I doubled today.
- Yeah, and you barely caught up
to an 80-mile-an-hour fastball,
which you blooped into the right field,
where their guy lost it in the sun.
- But a hit is a hit. Am I right?
all: Yeah!
- A hit that ended your 0 for 39.
But on the bright side, you're batting 1,000
at being a dad right now,
and that's where you should focus your attention,
but as far as baseball goes,
it's over, Dad, and you know it is.
You've got to walk away. There's life after baseball.
- Ohh...
Well...
it looks like this is a retirement party!
I'm hanging up the cleats.
Drinks are on me!
[cheers and applause]
[clattering]
- Carol, are those my pipes?
- I realized you were right.
It's not gonna be fine.
I figure if I give the Copperheads an offering,
they might jump me in.
Oh, and I also found your other gun.
Sloppy bitches get stitches.
[twangy guitar music]
♪
- I'm ready to go now.
♪
- Who is the toothless woman who just held us hostage?
♪
- Fantasy. - Fantasy.
- Desire. - Desire.
- Lust. - Lust.
- You're a man. - You're a woman.
- With needs, so slip into a realm
where your fantasies, desires, and lusts all become reality.
- Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium.
- Once you step into your pleasure pod,
you're in Mr. Magorium's world.
- Take the journey to Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium.
Once you're in his world, you won't want to leave.
- We'll hate to see you go, but we love to watch you come.